Psychologists Answer 4 Questions About Marriage

While marriage has been seen as the bedrock of healthy families and communities, and vital to the functioning of democracy itself, it is no longer the same institution it was. Today nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, and people are getting married later than they used to; in 2021 the median age at first marriage was 30.2 years for men and 28.1 years for women.1

Sociologist Anthony Giddens theorizes that the romantic love model of marriage, which emphasizes relational permanence ('til death do us part) and complementary gender roles, has been replaced by a new model of intimacy, which he calls the “pure relationship.”2

A pure relationship is entered into for its own sake and is maintained if both partners find enough satisfaction to stay in the marriage. Giddens argues that pure relationships are more egalitarian than traditional romantic relationships and can result in greater happiness for partners and foster a greater sense of autonomy.

Psychology Professor Eli Finkel and his colleagues propose that the major theories of intimate relationships address four fundamental questions:3

While these researchers were interested in influencing how the study of relationships could be enhanced, this post is about how this work can be helpful to couples as the landscape of marriage is changing. Can Professor Finkel’s questions posed about marriage be a guide to creating this new “pure relationship”?

The marriage relationship is unique—“the sum is greater than the parts.” Partners become increasingly intertwined with one another, and the marriage has a trajectory. It is not the “'til death do us part” trajectory as it used to be. It lasts if the partners find it works well for them.4

A marriage functions as its own entity that is more than the two individuals in the relationship. It’s the unique dynamic of the relationship—how it operates—rather than individual characteristics of partners that help to define the marriage. Partners' self-concepts may become increasingly intertwined with each other and the relationship—they spontaneously use plural pronouns such as we, us, and our. When performing joint tasks, integrated couples foster a communal relationship—obscuring their independent contributions as in an exchange relationship, which emphasizes the independent contribution of each.5

Psychologists studying marriage in the '60s and '70s emphasized change occurring in developmental stages such as bonding, differentiating, practicing, and rapprochement. More recently, psychologists see partners developing intimacy as they gradually (not in set, pre-programmed stages) increase the depth and breadth of their self-disclosure to each other.

This kind of gradual change occurs in response to simple and ordinary interactions between the partners and commonplace situations. Partners' feelings and ideas about how they support each other originate from these kinds of everyday experiences rather than in reaction to a major life event, for example.

Finkel and his associates believe the pure relationship idea of marriage emphasizes self-expression and personal growth.6 Previously, the dynamics of marriage were defined by the prescribed marital roles of “husband” and “wife.” Wives were supportive, virtuous, caretaking, and available for sex. Husbands were good financial providers. Marriage functioned well to the degree that wives and husbands performed their respective roles as “homemaker” and “breadwinner.”

With emphasis on individuals rather than roles, how relationships operate is under greater scrutiny. Two patterns of interacting are described as communal and exchange relationships.7

Exchange relationships are defined by giving things—time, resources, empathy, emotional experience, etc.—with the expectation of some return from our partner. This is the transactional model of marriage. While couples may not keep a strict ledger on who does what, partners want to feel they are engaging on an equal level—that the relationship is mutually beneficial, and no one feels cheated or taken advantage of.

In communal relationships, giving to one another is because your partner wants or desires something or you are concerned for his/her welfare. Such a relationship is founded on love and compassion in which each partner takes care of the other to the best of their ability. In a communal relationship, giving to your partner does not incur an obligation or debt that has to be repaid.8

When partners' interests and goals differ, marital quality can be enhanced when one partner demonstrates a willingness to make sacrifices for his/her partner’s well-being. For example, Joe is willing to give up a desirable job so that Catherine, his wife, can pursue educational advancement. Such a sacrifice on Joe’s part reveals how much he cares about her and how committed he is to their relationship.

People bring their own personal qualities to their marriages—their personalities and their temperaments—as well as their personal wants and desires and life goals.9

People come into relationships with the desire to have an emotionally close relationship that helps foster a sense of personal security. They also expect their spouse to help them achieve their individual desires for autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Experiencing this sense of relatedness is instrumental in providing comfort and support when pursuing challenging individual goals.

In communal relationships, partners will negotiate collaboratively with one another to achieve their personal wants, desires, and life goals. Through discussion and negotiation, the partners determine how to best support and help each other achieve their goals. And collaborative negotiation is the way disagreements and differences that are inevitable in marriage are resolved.10

A significant personal quality that is important in a communal relationship is the capacity for self-reflection—an important personal strength to deal with personal vulnerabilities. Self-awareness, i.e., the conscious consideration of our thoughts and actions, is acquired through the self-reflective process.11

Stressful events affect marital relationships. External factors including such things as loss, financial strain, chronic illness, infertility, and natural disasters can put a strain on the quality of the marital relationship. Developing good negotiation skills and a solid communal relationship will help couples navigate such stresses. Managing such stressors effectively can even strengthen the relationship.

Social factors, such as the approval of friends and family, have been shown to increase both relationship satisfaction and stability. In marrying, couples are making a highly public act of faith, hope, and optimism. The public act of getting married makes the relationship something that others—friends and family—have a stake in as well as the couple.12

Marriage can be a life-long commitment for the betterment of both partners. Be sure each of you has individual life plans, things that are important to you as individuals to flourish. How you go about carrying out these plans communally with not only help the marriage survive, but it is also how you get to be better people.

Because the old rules about marriage no longer hold, couples are drawn to an exchange relationship, particularly in the beginning of a relationship, because it seems to promise “fairness.” It turns out that, with time together, fairness is less important, and valuing each other is more so.

In a communal relationship, which fits the new “pure relationship” view of marriage, you come to see your spouse as a valuable person in the same way that you are, and you learn to negotiate what is important to each of you. Negotiating collaboratively in a communal relationship builds trust. You can rely on this process to be heard, to be understood, to be valued, and to accomplish your life plans together.

Questions and answers from the ‘Car Doctor’

Q. My car a Genesis does not start, and I get a message that the key is not dedicated. I have been using our other car and public transportation. I left the car unlocked, but if it were locked how would I get in if the key is not detected? We only have one key, what is wrong?

A. This a classic example of the key fob battery is dead. Nearly all key fobs have a removeable physical key made into the fob. Although you may not see a door lock, near the door handle there is usually a removable cover. The key will get you into the car. On this vehicle and any others, if you push the start button with the key fob the engine will start. The key fob battery is inexpensive and easy to replace and depending on the vehicle changing the battery every couple of years is money well spent.

Q. I am interested especially in plug-in hybrids (like the now-discontinued Chevy Volt), and would use it almost exclusively as an electric, with trips of less than 100 miles and charging every night. Any gasoline in the tank would go bad before it was used. How do you manage the gasoline in the tank? And does the oil need changing every 3000 miles, even though most of those miles are electric?

A. There are different configurations of hybrids, Plugin hybrids that use a series drivetrain only receive mechanical power from the electric motor, which is run by either a battery or a gasoline-powered generator. In hybrids with parallel drivetrains, the electric motor and internal combustion engine can provide mechanical power simultaneously. Series/parallel drivetrains enable the engine and electric motor to provide power independently or in conjunction with one another. In all these applications there is some internal combustion use. Some plug-in hybrids run the engine to use up gas, so it will not get stale. This function is built into the programming of the car. Using the very capable Hyundai Sante-FE PHEV as an example, Hyundai still wants the oil changed at 8000 miles and is recommending a fuel additive at 8000 miles-presumably to keep the combustion chamber clean.

Q. You had a question about how to get bumper stickers off a van and I have a suggestion. The best product out there is Un-Du. Have used it for years. I got a bunch of bumper stickers off my daughter’s car with it. It is designed to keep the adhesive on the sticker, so leaves little residue behind. This is a great product, loved by crafters and has a slew of household uses.

A. Thanks for the suggestion and this is one product I never heard of. Always appreciative of reader suggestions, comments and even some criticism.

Q. I was watching YouTube and many car videos I watched had an ad for a plug-in device called ECO. In the ad it said it worked so well it was like stealing gas. In fact, they said they were getting sued by oil companies and car companies because it worked so well. What do you think?

A. I do not know this product, but my first thought is do not waste your money. The idea that car companies do not want to deliver better fuel economy is just silly. Car companies literally will look to save grams of weight to improve fuel economy. If I believed everything, I saw online I would be rich and good looking.

Q. I have a 2016 Subaru Outback 3.6R with 53,000 miles. The spark plugs have never been changed; I see no symptoms that would suggest a problem. The maintenance schedule calls for spark plugs at 60,000 miles (or 5 years I believe). The mileage is lower than 60,000 but time is past 60 months. Do you suggest using time instead of miles in my case for the 60,000-mile service (includes brake fluid change too)?

A. It would be a good idea to replace the sparkplugs. Leaving them for too long can sometimes cause the sparkplugs to become seized in the cylinder-heads. This can lead to a whole host of additional problems. Subaru also states 60 months or 60,000 miles whichever comes first. Changing brake fluid every three or so years is also a good idea.

Q. I have a 2018 Mercedes Benz C300 4matic; currently 21,500 miles and I am the original owner. Should I get oil change and have fluids checked before winter sets in? The last service was done in October 2020 at 12,300 miles.

A. According to Mercedes (not a dealer recommendation) you should have the oil changed every 10,000 or once per year whichever comes first. At the same time, the technician will check the other fluids and filters. I agree with this once per year recommendation, it is just an effective way to keep up with potential issues that can crop up as the car ages.

Q. I own a 2013 Honda CRV with 65,000 miles on it. The car has always been maintained by Honda. The Honda dealership keeps recommending that I change the radiator hoses and the fluid due to it being 10 years old. What would be your recommendation for when to replace the radiator fluid and hoses?

A. Changing the coolant in this model definitely makes sense at 10 years old. The radiator hoses typically have a very long life but at 10 years old, it is worth considering. As an example, If I were driving cross country in this car, I would want to replace the radiator and heater hoses. If the car were used locally, I would have the coolant changed and have the hoses evaluated by the mechanic who was performing the service.

Got a car question, email the Car Doctor for a personal reply. jpaul@aaanortheast.com