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chapter one

knowing guys's Passages

understanding men'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the brand new MAP OF men'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM apartment, INC.

or not it's a man aspect

    It has historically been assumed that age is kinder to guys than to ladies. My research during the last eight years has revealed a miraculous reversal: many men 40 and over are having a more durable time these days making a delightful passage into the 2nd half of their lives than are most ladies. Why?

    girls think pangs over dropping their youth.

    men feel dread.

    "or not it's the dread of dropping potency!" says my buddy Fitzgerald. "it be imagining your self as an actor onstage who has misplaced his voice."

    There are some inevitable alterations as we tramp the experience of life. men continually hit them as they would a brick wall--and then can also fall apart. if they knew what to expect in develop, it might aid them to master those changes and take advantage of them.

    The element of this publication is to help men and their companions to outwit the inevitable changes forward. these days, primarily for men under 50, the timing of marker hobbies--finishing faculty, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has turned out to be unpredictable. What a man is supposed to do, and when, is not clear. it's both enjoyable and disorienting, like sailing for a brand new world but wondering in case you will drop off the edge of the historic one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a little misplaced is rarely by myself.

    step one is to keep in mind the passages that men go through after age 40, after which to discover, in the new map of guys's lives, find out how to travel these new passages for your self with stronger consciousness and a passport to renewal. Even on a discipline as threatening as "male menopause," the information is first rate and getting improved. it is regularly becoming recognized as a mindbody syndrome it's completely general, common, treatable, and often reversible. Pharmaceutical corporations are racing to present men perpetual virility--through popping a capsule. As immediate and compelling as is the challenge most guys have with how their sexual efficiency can be affected by growing old, there's a lot more concerned in restoring vitality and virility than inserting greater lead back within the pencil. intellect-set matters at the least as lots as bodily alterations. The total gamut of motives and the impressive armamentarium for fighting male menopause are spelled out later in the e-book.

    Why single out men? it be not as radical a departure as it may appear; I even have been writing about the predictable and unpredictable changes of adult life for both sexes seeing that the book of Passages in 1976. however after twenty years of probing the psyche and deciphering the have an impact on of cultural shifts on both sexes, I faced a humbling admission:

    guys do not take into account ladies, but at the least they know it. ladies don't be mindful guys, however they do not realize it. Does the following dialogue sound in any respect well-known?

    "what's wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why won't you check with me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you seem so down."

    "i'm simply tired."

    "but you just take a seat round looking at television. every now and then, which you can get probably the most drained from doing nothing."

    "i'm now not doing nothing! There are issues I must believe about."

    "It appears like you've come to some extent to your existence the place issues are changing for you. How does that make you suppose?"

    "it's just something you ought to move through."

    "i might want to aid. won't you seek advice from me about it?"

    "what's there to say?"

    "what is it you need out of life? just make up your intellect and be straight with me."

    "I do not know what I desire."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i do know I have survived a few of these attempting-to-help-but-best-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption amongst women is that they understand what is wrong with their guys, and that they could fix it if simplest guys would listen. but do many women basically be aware of what it's like for a person nowadays?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary image artist and a sensible and cherished chum, made this statement of the cultural lag between the genders: "girls are setting up a brand new perception gadget; a brand new way of viewing life is coalescing. Most guys don't know what's happening to them. They don't have any idea what to consider in. For loads of us, the values we grew up with have been subverted and adjusted. men are astonished at this trade; they haven't formulated a response to it. it's a time when men are very, very unclear."

    men may also no longer equate trade with increase. frequently speaking, they associate change with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't seen as a positive a part of inner boom and the highway to a new type of vigor. in particular in the first half of their lives, guys are rewarded for inserting blinders on and pursuing their narrow career course: existence looks easy.

    "In my corporate lifestyles, i'm always telling company leaders how crucial it's to step returned, look at developments, see what the long run may convey, and plan forward for it," says a brand new York public family members man, "however in my very own and career existence, overlook it." He expresses a male view as historic as time: "I simply keep moving forward in a form of dumb-beast way, seeing the next possibility and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping everything will determine for me. even if as men we are hardwired to believe that means or it be the consistent technique of socialization, we just don't love to alternate."

    You can also had been rushing along the route you put on your twenties when, , the street turns bumpy. or you hit a washed-out patch and can't movement forward. Or the juice without problems drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge your self? change gears? Who do you turn to for aid?

    It has become a cliche to say that men do not like to ask questions. surely, here's now not always real. (My husband has stopped on the nearest gasoline station to ask for instructions at the least once.) but men haven't been taught to ask questions about their sexual lifestyles cycle or their health or psychological smartly-being. They do not consider they have got the time or want for such consultations--except catastrophe strikes. reviews exhibit that men make some distance fewer visits to medical doctors than ladies, and after they do go, they often do not ask any questions. below the silence and stoicism, youngsters, most guys over forty sense that the enjoying field of existence is radically distinctive from the area of their fathers.

    An economic revolution similar to the economic Revolution is pitting mature guys in opposition t younger, desktop-savvy digerati. journey may no longer count for as a lot in marketplaces concentrated on the now. now not simplest are new competencies demanded, for which a few generations--older baby boomers, the "Silent technology," the area battle II era--are not prepared, but a unique perspective is required. The suggestions of the online game between company and worker have changed. You was able to count on the company father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the supplier is a digital father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you may certainly not be clear where you stand.

    The ground of members of the family between guys and ladies has additionally undergone an earthquake of exchange. guys of the child-increase and prior generations were socialized, as boys, to count on a naturally prescribed role in the benign patriarchy portrayed in ordinary subculture by means of indicates akin to Ozzie & Harriet and depart It to Beaver. As young adults they were thrown off balance, ridiculed by way of the girls's movement, and later dismissed by some academic activists as belonging to a continuum of "dead white men." In core life they locate themselves competing with a newly assured species of younger professional ladies. Add the drive to stay youthful and exhibit perpetual virility, and a lot of of latest men over forty are in trouble. If a man maintains playing by means of the ancient scoreboard and the historic timetable, he is more likely to strike out.

    in this local weather of uncertainty, tons of of men have talked to me candidly about all types of forbidden subjects: their considerations about ageing, the ebbing of genuine power and athletic prowess, their fears of losing their jobs and their fathers, the that means disaster they face on the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working other halves, their want to be nearer to their infants earlier than they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the complete question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    most likely you by no means idea these questions would difficulty you. you will have in no way thought about not being younger. a well-known entertainer become shocked the primary time lie went through the supermarket line and he checkout woman regarded all through him. nonetheless good-looking, even though his jawline is now slightly softened, he is less cocky and less confrontational; he seems to have calmed down and warmed up--qualities that would possibly increase his powers of attraction. Yet after we talked, he may focus best on the bad facets of these alterations: "You believe separated from adolescence at the identical time you are feeling diminished in physical electricity and stamina; you beginning being omitted via younger men; the intercourse is never as extraordinary as it became; an incredible desire to be young once more comes over you."

    once I ask guys in the event that they ever speak over these questions with their male pals, they almost always shake their heads: "No."

    Why no longer?

    "it be a guy element."

    lots of the time they do not even discuss these matters with their other halves, who are sometimes preoccupied with their personal midlife changes. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i was stopped by an energetic-searching lady with a ebook bag slung over her shoulder. I begun returned to college in my late thirties," she noted. "i could have fun my forty-second birthday through getting my diploma as a scientific social worker. My husband kept complaining, 'you are altering. Why? i am the equal man you married twenty years ago.' Bingo! this is the motive we're getting divorced."

    The husband probably thinks that remaining the identical, and hiding his feelings and frustration, is being manly. He might also consider stuck, even trapped, through his financial obligations. He expects himself to be the equal provider, the identical aggressive competitor he at all times become, anticipating his body to take punishment and burn fat and appeal to women the style it at all times did. however beneath the bravado he probably doesn't feel the equal thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His complete id is tied up with the reputation he has completed to this point. If he lets go even a bit, what else is there?

    He cannot imagine how to alternate. Why should he?

    When ladies in midlife go lower back to college, beginning new careers, or leave stifling marriages, for probably the most half they're exhilarated. notwithstanding their income and status is not as first rate as a person's, they derive greater delight--because they began with so a great deal much less. The guys they leave in the back of are sometimes resentful, even jealous, having likely helped to finance a former wife's emergence into the repute of "being my very own adult" on the rate of their own revamping.

    Linear reasoning is likely to lead a person to consider, "as soon as I obtain certain issues, then i may be happy." nonetheless it is not best titles and cloth accomplishments that be counted. And when those external achievements fall to deliver meaning and joyfulness on time table, men develop into frustrated. at a loss for words. irritated. And ashamed to admit it.

    This male malaise has no identify. it's a gloomy continent. Most guys don't respect--or refuse to settle for--that they proceed to move through diverse stages all through their grownup lives. And few guys I have studied are even aware that important new passages still lie forward--after 40. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to appear inward. They latest a person with a chance to stretch and progress, or to lock in and regress. it's essential to let go of a little control all the way through these instances of passage so that an historical shell can be sloughed off and area made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to grow.

    Transitional durations are at all times unsettling, for anybody. however an absence of focus makes it more likely that a person may additionally slide into melancholy and do all types of self-destructive things. extra frequently than no longer, men are not even mindful of being depressed. They start slipping down the cliff, inch by way of inch, whereas clutching frantically for anything else to cling on to or easily numbing themselves to what appears like an inevitable descent down the lower back side of existence.

    This ebook presents a brighter outlook, according to research with today's new men. it is guys in center life who have the most fulfilling possibility to turn into masters of their destiny--better lovers, more advantageous fathers, truer to themselves and their personal values, freer to specific their emotions and exercise their creativity, more influential, greater collaborative, greater non secular. They need simplest potential and a intellect open adequate to receive it.

    however time is operating out! not practically as quickly as you believe. in fact, the middle years are the stage of expertise highest well-being within the lives of fit trained individuals nowadays. You do not trust it? agree with some records:

ARE YOU prepared FOR a different life?

We reside throughout the choicest miracle 'within the history of our species--the doubling of lifestyles expectancy considering the fact that the economic Revolution. again when the USA became situated, lifestyles expectancy at birth stood at most effective about 35 years. via 1900, it reached 47 years. one of the most incredible trends of the 20 th century has been to stretch the existence cycle via a normal of thirty years--greater than the overall won over five thousand years going returned to the Bronze Age! another shock of first rate information on lifestyles expectancy looked 'in September 1997 'within the big apple instances:

In 1996 on my own, American men delivered six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a brand new high.

    That changed into in accordance with an evaluation of U.S. vital records with the aid of the facilities for sickness control. The common male lifestyles span is now 73 years. it's also catching up with the female lifestyles span (now a typical of seventy nine), as the variety of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of coronary heart ailment and melanoma decline. Between now and the yr 2030, the proportion of individuals over age sixty five will practically double. And this might be true, even sooner, in every single place Europe.

    pleasant, you may additionally say, but when a protracted existence span means spending years with my bulb dimming and my physique falling aside, overlook it. all of us appear to our fathers and moms as mirrors of our personal growing older. these are miscues in lots of methods. When our parents became 50, we idea they were historic. They notion they have been historic. on the grounds that 1950, unimagined advances were made in drugs; and, more pertinent, public fitness schooling through the mass media has induced profound alterations in very own behavior. individuals in center existence these days have a very distinct existence profile from that of their folks, who have been anticipated to show off their intellectual engines of their fifties. They did not dream of working marathons or gulping down hormones to retain them randy unless their eighties.

    individuals are maturing past, bodily, however taking longer to develop up emotionally, and plenty, much longer to develop historic. For the center courses, adolescence is now prolonged until the end of the twenties. Our First maturity handiest starts at about age 30. somewhere across the midforties we enter an important passage into what was a fairly staid, if not stagnant, center age.

    Yet we seem to be more reluctant to grow up than ever before. Of the a whole lot of men over forty whom I even have interviewed, most accept as true with they are five to 10 years younger than that imposter whose photo by some means slipped inside their passports. today the midpoint of adulthood isn't any longer always 40--or not it's extra like 50.

Fifty is what forty was once.

    when you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, that you may modify your lens on getting old. Beneficiaries of the growth in men's fitness, biotechnology, and mind research, you belong to a species unheard of on the earth, a species whose lifestyles span will robotically extend into your eighties and nineties. This skill you need to put together for the opportunity of a further life--past the natural roles and tasks--since the years from forty to 80 or ninety provide you a whole new playing box: what I name your "second adulthood."

    In 2nd adulthood you begin to be taught that fulfillment In existence is not in as a result of the comfortably racking up features on a single scoreboard. rather, there are a few different scoreboards--as son, mate, father, chum, colleague, mentor, community shrewd man, benefactor. The vital innings of second adulthood are neither played through the same rules nor scored within the same way as a young man's video game. but most guys are so concentrated on winning in the first half, they usually miss the indicators that can put together them with a successful method for center and later lifestyles.

    Gary Markovitz, for instance, became an outstanding soldier. Having served in Vietnam and lower back to school to train as a technocrat, he had defined himself for seventeen years completely within the context of his enterprise. "When americans asked me what i'm, i used to be an IBMer," he admits. "now not Gary who labored at IBM, but an IBMer."

    by using his midforties he began to ask yourself if his batteries were wearing down, nonetheless it failed to happen to him to wonder what else he could have fun with doing. He heard about his company's buyout offer while on a company commute to San Francisco. at first he had no interest in it. but on the airplane ride domestic he found himself thinking about a chum's fresh funeral. the person had come up through the ranks at IBM with Gary and had unexpectedly handed away from cancer.

    Gary discovered himself ticking off, finger with the aid of finger, just what number of individuals may well be counted on to display up for his own funeral. He did not get very a long way. What value did he have backyard IBM? He idea about his oldest son, who turned into already 25. before long, there could be a grandson sitting on his knee. blameless and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you try this intended something?"

    I made cash.

    "It failed to circulate the grandfather test," Gary decided. "I can be doing greater things."

however i'm not able!

a man in his late forties in a Minneapolis audience expressed a typical concern of men: "give it to me straight. Do I have to lose vigour as I grow older?"

    On the opposite. The vigor of intellect, rooted in event, only raises as we meet the predictable crises and accidents of life and discover our resilience. an entire new stage has unfolded within the middle of existence: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from ages forty five to 65. The passage from First to second adulthood and into the Age of Mastery really transforms the theory of vigour.

    baby boomers need a ebook to their middle existence. Theirs might be a brand-new experience, full of surprises. 4 out of each ten American adults belong to the baby-growth technology, which, based on my research with the U.S.. Census Bureau, must be divided into two subgenerations. The leading edge can also be referred to as the "Vietnam technology" (born 1946-1955). here's President Bin Clinton and British leading Minister Tony Blair's generation, which they describe as being strong in beliefs however detached to the ancient ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties got here of age expecting that everything would all the time get superior, and for many of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties shaped their utopian focus, and vestiges of that spirit are nonetheless with them, tempered by using the cynicism of the instances.

    The younger half of the boomers--the "Me technology"--got here of age within the Seventies (born 1956-1965) and ignored a great deal of the idealism of the Vietnam era, however concentrated greater on own construction. They dreamed of reaching the completely balanced life and consequently continue to delay taking on lots of the obligations of full adulthood. however they're much more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, gay partnerships, single parenthood, and other social experiments. both halves of this dominant era have at all times been totally individualistic and for this reason irreconcilably divided. but on one problem they appear to be in complete settlement:

Boomers do not accept center age.

    Boomer men don't see themselves as aging. and they actually do not assume any changes in their peak sexual performance--it could actually happen to different guys, however now not to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can carry the question: is that this the starting of the dreaded falling off?

THE need to KNOWAND THE concern OF realizing

In lectures in keeping with my final publication, New Passages, one query is all the time certain to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there is a necessity to know and an equally weighty worry of figuring out. when I first grew to be aware about the phenomenon, the proof from guys became certainly anecdotal. Six guys sitting round a midtown ny bar after work--virile sales managers and a hit sellers--all of whom look like backing up the hill from their midforties toward the remarkable divide at 50. they have a few drinks, and, inside my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the relaxation: "inform the truth. How time and again have you ever faked being asleep when your wife receives into bed with a glow in her eyes)"

    each man laughs. Then a crevice falls open within the dialog. the man in the power tie who posed the question reaches out for a lifeline: "I mean, would not that take place to you guys?"

    bound, Mr. Winkle does not want to drink," one more man says, chuckling. The relaxation chime in, putting off the problem on overwork, stress, having a few too many.

    however these occasional components don't do a good deal to light up the secret of why so many men in core life step by step lose their vitality and virility. They see somewhat older friends alternate from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They ask yourself: Will it happen to me? Of route, being men, they refuse to talk about it. At most, the discipline is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is going for walks down the highway when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "in case you decide on me up and kiss me, i'll turninto a stunning lady."

the man picks up the frog and puts It Into his pocket.

"are not you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i'll develop into a stupendous girl and you may have me all you need."

"i'd rather have a talking frog in my pocket."

what's occurring? Are we talking simply about getting old? yes, however additionally about a bigger challenge to a person's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with physical, hormonal, psychological, and sociological components--that is now trendily called "male menopause." "We do not yet have a term for this five- to 12-12 months duration of midlife in guys, but we are aware of it is shared through each genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the world association for Social Psychiatry and clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington tuition college of medication.

    It quickly grew to be obvious to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is only as primary as the ending of the fertile period of a lady's existence, because it strikes on the core of what it is to be a person--the element a person has all the time counted on to bring him pleasure, the element that has labored for him a whole lot of times, mindlessly, like a machine, via himself or with any number of partners, the supply of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual force and performance.

    within the April 1993 subject of vanity fair, with Sharon Stone on the cowl stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to put up some of the first full discussions of the area: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever given that, men and ladies have been speaking privately to me about this issue without a correct name. Interviews with more than 100 men between the ages of forty and 70 about this subject printed that the majority had been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up absolutely puzzled. I even have additionally followed the work of some two dozen medical certified during this narrow box who look at and deal with guys over forty plagued by some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later life. whereas the broader clinical institution nonetheless by way of and large ducks the field, the mass media additionally continue to be cautious of touching the area, and that i found why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

at some point within the fall of 1996 I got a call from a dynamic younger producer on the serious CBS magazine reveal forty eight Hours. Chuck Stevenson had study my work on male menopause and interviewed some scientific specialists, and he desired to position together a piece about men in middle lifestyles in sexual disaster. Chuck changed into best 41. a little younger to be pondering male menopause?

    "in fact, i'm finding the field captivating," he said. As he noticed it, "The precursor to guys's midlife disaster is reduced sexual means, which then triggers all these a lot of psychological feelings."

    i used to be delighted with Chuck's enlightened strategy. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty got here out to do the interview in the backyard of my home in Berkeley, together with a three-man creation crew.

    For the interview, Chuck desired to the touch on "technical menopause--that small percentage of guys who in reality won't have the testosterone."

    What I definitely wanted to talk about was now not the small percent of guys who are already so incapacitated they might seek surgical relief My situation is the whole center range of guys who don't know what is general and who, when their sexual habits or efficiency alterations, become so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull away from any intimacy. On digital camera, I described the most general situation:

The longer this difficulty is still unspoken between a couple,the greater immense it grows, unless there is an eight-hundred-poundgorilla in the bedroom. no person mentions it for sixmonths, two years, five years; in the meantime, the pair stopshugging, stops holding fingers, stops touching altogether,moves to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They turn into estranged in all forms of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot became over, I asked the producer how the piece could be titled and promoted. "that is going to be the hardest element for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How can we make this section circulation without scaring off men? We can not say 'midlife crisis' or 'trade of life.'" finally, the segment become titled "Undercover," which became inoffensive but meaningless. Nothing became left in concerning the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck recounted that the piece did not work. The rationale, he informed me with regret, become the gigantic sensitivity of senior community executives to letting us focus on impotence.

    but it surely turned into the response of the tv construction crew that proved probably the most exciting. by and large, a digicam crew tunes out whereas filming and simply makes a speciality of doing its job. while we mentioned the male menopause, these three men blanched and reddened, however they held on to each note. After the capturing they caught round to speak.

    i wanted to listen to about it," some of the cameramen stated candidly, "however I do not wish to talk about it."

    "It become hitting too close to domestic for me," admitted one more crew member. He changed into in his forties and residing through divorce hell. She turned into the one who left. "What truly must be stated is the indisputable fact that when a man has a midlife sexual crisis, americans commonly say, 'it be all in your mind, snap out of it.'

    "however it's truly a part of the herbal course of routine," one of the most cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "it's appropriate," talked about his colleague. "i can see now the place you might get that rhinoceros on your bedroom, or whatever thing you referred to as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks might kind."

    "That made experience to me, too," noted the cameraman, "as a result of when verbal exchange breaks down in a wedding, it be all long past." abruptly his colleague had an Aha! second--a kind of little epiphanies that all at once throws a floodlight on what one's existence is basically about.

    "that is what came about in our marriage! no one basically talked about the gorilla. We just grew further and further apart. I don't suppose like it was my fault. i was doing my responsibility, doing what i used to be imagined to do. i was simply waiting it out. She received tired of waiting, and it came about rapidly--the marriage fell apart."

    Doing one's duty and not speaking in regards to the inner crumple of 1's whole thought of oneself is an all-too-normal "manly" stance at midlife. This book is meant as a friendly guide out of such useless ends. No man should squander his valuable lifestyles "simply ready it out." And once he discovers the pleasing new map of men's lives, laid out here in statistics as well as many dwelling examples, he should be lured to discover new continents of creativeness and event not ever earlier than dreamt of by means of previous generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt agency All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

creator'S be aware.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX part I: WHAT DO men desire? Chapter One it's a man thing....................................3 Are You organized for a different existence?...........................eight however i'm no longer competent!..........................................11 The need to recognize and the fear of realizing....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the brand new MAP OF adult life..........................17 The spouse's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover lifestyles?.....................22 half II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nevertheless think LIKE a kid?..................27 The arrogance crisis...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the father-Son Midlife energy battle.......................36 for those who Comin' home, Son?..................................37 The useless Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................41 Chapter four MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................forty five Yuppie enjoying capture-up.....................................46 Banker "Excessed" at home...................................47 the only Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................forty seven The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a hard Time to Be a person in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................fifty two Are You What You Smoke?.....................................53 "The massive not possible"........................................fifty five The Reluctant Father........................................fifty eight First Fatality Jitters......................................60 relocating Up the Mortality Markers.............................sixty three Honor amongst guys.............................................64 Manly sports: greater than just a online game.........................sixty six present Manhood models......................................sixty nine Chapter five MARRIED AND MORTAL................................78 The Aha! second.............................................seventy eight The heart of the matter.....................................81 The Stonewaller's defense...................................85 The difficulty with wives......................................88 half III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2d adulthood...................ninety five The Samson complex..........................................97 Mature Masculinity.........................................one hundred Former professional soccer superstar...................................102 Geezer in Graduate college..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 past power...............................................108 Barry Diller's seek Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of influence............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR lifestyles before THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The darkish evening of Joe O'Dell...............................122 damaging Defenses.......................................one hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they may on no account fireplace Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of probability..................................133 Midlife funds Realities....................................135 What might Spook John Wayne?...............................136 quit "i am the big Shot".................................137 constructing a group............................................139 Opening the non secular Dimension............................141 discover Your passion and Pursue It............................one hundred forty four Chapter Eight LOVE AND war WITH better halves, FATHERS, toddlers......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: comfort or disaster?.......................149 coaching the teach.........................................151 Withholding intercourse............................................a hundred and fifty five The security web spouse........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................one hundred sixty brain-intercourse alterations..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty coronary heart................................................163 Mr. mother....................................................164 Father starvation..............................................166 Letting Go of a turning out to be Son................................167 how many guys friends can you count number?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You capable for Love within the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S scared of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL lifestyles CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual life Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 men Behaving Intelligently.................................189 mind over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You quite Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is better Than intercourse..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a man's master Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial lady......................................209 Teaming up to find the appropriate treatment.....................210 half V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets and techniques of well-being in the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement home...............219 don't Retire! Redirect!....................................220 looking in your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve progress VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 don't lower back Up, severe Tire hurt!.........................231 assist is not challenging to Get....................................233 i am not Having a coronary heart attack!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of destiny................................239 part VI: WHAT maintains a man younger? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL knowledge........................243 Do guys should Die sooner than girls?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 starting to be and Regenerating mind.............................251 religious starvation...........................................253 Love in the Twilight of life...............................254 A Lusty winter.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 coping with Job Loss.......................................259 concepts for Surviving Job Loss in core life...........260 elements: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 substances: Couples remedy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 browsing for a doctor/Male fitness health center...................264 materials: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual health issues..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples exercises............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning signals of depression................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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