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chapter one

figuring out guys's Passages

realizing men'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the brand new MAP OF men'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM condo, INC.

or not it's a guy issue

    It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to guys than to girls. My analysis over the past eight years has revealed a stunning reversal: many men 40 and over are having a harder time these days making a pleasing passage into the second half of their lives than are most women. Why?

    girls think pangs over losing their youth.

    men suppose dread.

    "it be the dread of losing efficiency!" says my pal Fitzgerald. "or not it's imagining your self as an actor onstage who has misplaced his voice."

    There are some inevitable changes as we tramp the experience of lifestyles. men usually hit them as they would a brick wall--and then may additionally fall aside. if they knew what to predict in advance, it could support them to master these adjustments and take advantage of them.

    The point of this ebook is to aid guys and their companions to outwit the inevitable changes ahead. today, especially for men beneath 50, the timing of marker pursuits--completing faculty, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has turned out to be unpredictable. What a person is meant to do, and when, isn't clear. it's both entertaining and disorienting, like crusing for a new world however questioning if you will drop off the fringe of the ancient one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a little lost is rarely by myself.

    step one is to remember the passages that guys go through after age 40, and then to find, within the new map of men's lives, how you can shuttle these new passages for your self with improved recognition and a passport to renewal. Even on a subject as threatening as "male menopause," the news is good and getting stronger. it's steadily fitting recognized as a mindbody syndrome it's perfectly usual, widespread, treatable, and often reversible. Pharmaceutical companies are racing to offer men perpetual virility--by popping a capsule. As instant and compelling as is the challenge most guys have with how their sexual efficiency could be littered with ageing, there's lots more involved in restoring vitality and virility than inserting more lead back in the pencil. intellect-set matters as a minimum as much as bodily alterations. The complete gamut of reasons and the fantastic armamentarium for fighting male menopause are spelled out later in the publication.

    Why single out guys? or not it's now not as radical a departure as it might seem; I actually have been writing in regards to the predictable and unpredictable changes of adult existence for each sexes on account that the ebook of Passages in 1976. however after twenty years of probing the psyche and decoding the influence of cultural shifts on each sexes, I confronted a humbling admission:

    guys do not be aware girls, however as a minimum they know it. girls do not take into account guys, however they don't realize it. Does here communicate sound at all generic?

    "what is wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why may not you talk to me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you appear so down."

    "i am simply drained."

    "however you just sit round observing tv. now and again, you can get essentially the most drained from doing nothing."

    "i am now not doing nothing! There are things I must consider about."

    "It looks like you've come to some extent for your existence the place issues are altering for you. How does that make you think?"

    "it be just anything you must go through."

    "i'd like to support. may not you check with me about it?"

    "what is there to say?"

    "what is it you need out of existence? simply make up your intellect and be straight with me."

    "I don't know what I need."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i know I even have survived a couple of of these making an attempt-to-assist-however-only-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption amongst women is that they understand what is wrong with their guys, and that they might fix it if simplest men would hear. however do many ladies truly recognize what it's like for a person today?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary image artist and a sensible and cherished buddy, made this remark of the cultural lag between the genders: "ladies are setting up a brand new perception equipment; a brand new manner of viewing life is coalescing. Most men don't know what's going on to them. They should not have any theory what to agree with in. For loads of us, the values we grew up with were subverted and altered. men are astonished at this exchange; they haven't formulated a response to it. or not it's a time when men are very, very doubtful."

    men can also now not equate exchange with boom. commonly speakme, they associate change with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It is not viewed as a good a part of internal growth and the street to a new type of power. especially within the first half of their lives, men are rewarded for placing blinders on and pursuing their slender profession route: lifestyles looks straightforward.

    "In my company life, i'm at all times telling company leaders how important it is to step back, examine traits, see what the future may deliver, and plan ahead for it," says a brand new York public relations man, "however in my personal and career life, overlook it." He expresses a male view as historic as time: "I simply retain moving forward in a kind of dumb-beast approach, seeing the subsequent chance and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping every thing will work out for me. whether as men we're hardwired to believe that way or it be the steady manner of socialization, we simply don't love to exchange."

    You may had been rushing alongside the route you place to your twenties when, suddenly, the road turns bumpy. otherwise you hit a washed-out patch and cannot flow forward. Or the juice easily drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge your self? trade gears? Who do you turn to for support?

    It has become a cliche to assert that guys do not like to ask questions. definitely, this is now not all the time actual. (My husband has stopped at the nearest gas station to ask for directions as a minimum as soon as.) however men haven't been taught to ask questions about their sexual existence cycle or their fitness or psychological smartly-being. They don't consider they have the time or want for such consultations--except catastrophe strikes. experiences exhibit that guys make some distance fewer visits to docs than girls, and once they do go, they generally don't ask any questions. under the silence and stoicism, despite the fact, most guys over 40 sense that the taking part in container of life is radically different from the area of their fathers.

    An economic revolution similar to the economic Revolution is pitting mature men in opposition t younger, computer-savvy digerati. adventure may additionally now not count number for as plenty in marketplaces concentrated on the now. now not only are new capabilities demanded, for which a number of generations--older child boomers, the "Silent generation," the realm battle II generation--are not organized, but a different attitude is required. The suggestions of the video game between agency and worker have modified. You was once capable of count number on the corporate father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the enterprise is a virtual father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you can never be clear where you stand.

    The floor of relations between guys and girls has also passed through an earthquake of alternate. men of the baby-growth and past generations were socialized, as boys, to expect a naturally prescribed role within the benign patriarchy portrayed in typical lifestyle with the aid of suggests corresponding to Ozzie & Harriet and leave It to Beaver. As young adults they were thrown off steadiness, ridiculed with the aid of the ladies's stream, and later pushed aside by means of some tutorial activists as belonging to a continuum of "dead white men." In core lifestyles they locate themselves competing with a newly assured species of younger professional girls. Add the power to remain youthful and demonstrate perpetual virility, and many of modern guys over 40 are in situation. If a man maintains playing by means of the historical scoreboard and the old timetable, he is prone to strike out.

    during this local weather of uncertainty, hundreds of guys have talked to me candidly about all types of forbidden subjects: their issues about aging, the ebbing of real electricity and athletic prowess, their fears of dropping their jobs and their fathers, the meaning crisis they face at the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working better halves, their need to be closer to their toddlers before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the complete question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    perhaps you in no way thought these questions would situation you. you have on no account notion about no longer being younger. a well-recognized entertainer turned into shocked the first time lie went during the supermarket line and he checkout lady appeared during him. still handsome, though his jawline is now slightly softened, he is much less cocky and fewer confrontational; he looks to have calmed down and warmed up--qualities that could most likely boost his powers of attraction. Yet once we talked, he may center of attention simplest on the bad elements of those adjustments: "You suppose separated from early life on the equal time you are feeling diminished in physical electricity and stamina; you birth being passed over by more youthful men; the sex is rarely as tremendous because it become; an incredible desire to be younger once again comes over you."

    when I ask men if they ever talk over these questions with their male chums, they nearly always shake their heads: "No."

    Why not?

    "it be a man factor."

    many of the time they do not even focus on these matters with their better halves, who are often preoccupied with their own midlife alterations. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i used to be stopped via an energetic-searching woman with a book bag slung over her shoulder. I began again to faculty in my late thirties," she referred to. "i'll celebrate my forty-2d birthday by way of getting my diploma as a clinical social worker. My husband saved complaining, 'you are changing. Why? i'm the identical man you married twenty years ago.' Bingo! it is the cause we're getting divorced."

    The husband probably thinks that remaining the same, and hiding his feelings and frustration, is being manly. He might also feel caught, even trapped, through his economic duties. He expects himself to be the equal company, the equal aggressive competitor he all the time was, anticipating his body to take punishment and burn fats and appeal to ladies the manner it all the time did. but underneath the bravado he likely doesn't consider the same thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His entire identity is tied up with the reputation he has executed to date. If he lets go even a little, what else is there?

    He cannot think about a way to trade. Why should still he?

    When girls in midlife go returned to school, birth new careers, or depart stifling marriages, for probably the most half they are exhilarated. even if their income and status is not as amazing as a person's, they derive more suitable satisfaction--as a result of they began with so a whole lot much less. The men they leave in the back of are sometimes resentful, even jealous, having possible helped to finance a former wife's emergence into the status of "being my own person" at the fee of their personal revamping.

    Linear reasoning is likely to steer a man to think, "once I achieve definite things, then i could be happy." nevertheless it isn't simplest titles and cloth accomplishments that count number. And when those exterior achievements fall to give meaning and joyfulness on time table, men turn into annoyed. at a loss for words. indignant. And ashamed to confess it.

    This male malaise has no identify. it is a depressing continent. Most guys do not admire--or refuse to accept--that they continue to move through distinct levels during their adult lives. And few men I have studied are even conscious that crucial new passages nonetheless lie forward--after 40. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to appear inward. They current a person with a chance to stretch and growth, or to lock in and regress. it is fundamental to let go of a bit handle throughout these times of passage in order that an old shell can also be sloughed off and house made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to develop.

    Transitional periods are always unsettling, for anybody. however an absence of focus makes it greater seemingly that a man can also slide into depression and do all sorts of self-damaging things. extra often than not, guys are not even mindful of being depressed. They start slipping down the cliff, inch by inch, while clutching frantically for anything to dangle on to or with no trouble numbing themselves to what seems like an inevitable descent down the again facet of lifestyles.

    This e-book gifts a brighter outlook, in accordance with research with today's new men. it's guys in core life who've the greatest opportunity to turn into masters of their fate--stronger lovers, enhanced fathers, truer to themselves and their personal values, freer to specific their emotions and undertaking their creativity, extra influential, extra collaborative, extra non secular. They want most effective talents and a intellect open ample to receive it.

    but time is running out! now not essentially as fast as you feel. actually, the middle years are the stage of advantage maximum well-being within the lives of fit informed americans these days. You do not agree with it? trust some facts:

ARE YOU organized FOR yet another life?

We reside in the course of the most excellent miracle 'in the background of our species--the doubling of life expectancy considering the industrial Revolution. again when the USA was based, existence expectancy at beginning stood at only about 35 years. through 1900, it reached 47 years. one of the most superb developments of the twentieth century has been to stretch the existence cycle by an ordinary of thirty years--more than the total received over 5 thousand years going back to the Bronze Age! another shock of good news on lifestyles expectancy seemed 'in September 1997 'in the long island times:

In 1996 by myself, American men brought six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a brand new excessive.

    That changed into in line with an analysis of U.S. a must have information by the centers for disorder control. The typical male existence span is now 73 years. it's also catching up with the feminine life span (now a normal of 79), as the number of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of heart ailment and melanoma decline. Between now and the 12 months 2030, the percentage of individuals over age 65 will very nearly double. And this will be real, even sooner, in every single place Europe.

    quality, you can also say, but if an extended existence span means spending years with my bulb dimming and my physique falling apart, forget it. we all look to our fathers and moms as mirrors of our personal getting old. those are miscues in lots of ways. When our parents grew to become 50, we idea they were historic. They concept they have been ancient. in view that 1950, unimagined advances have been made in medicine; and, greater pertinent, public health education in the course of the mass media has caused profound alterations in own conduct. individuals in middle life nowadays have a extremely different lifestyles profile from that of their fogeys, who had been anticipated to show off their intellectual engines of their fifties. They did not dream of operating marathons or gulping down hormones to maintain them randy except their eighties.

    individuals are maturing earlier, physically, however taking longer to develop up emotionally, and an awful lot, a whole lot longer to develop historical. For the center courses, formative years is now prolonged unless the conclusion of the twenties. Our First maturity best starts at about age 30. somewhere across the midforties we enter a big passage into what was a rather staid, if now not stagnant, core age.

    Yet we appear to be more reluctant to develop up than ever earlier than. Of the tons of of men over forty whom I even have interviewed, most agree with they are five to 10 years younger than that imposter whose picture someway slipped inner their passports. these days the midpoint of adulthood isn't any longer always 40--it's greater like 50.

Fifty is what forty was.

    when you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, you could regulate your lens on getting old. Beneficiaries of the increase in men's health, biotechnology, and brain analysis, you belong to a species remarkable on earth, a species whose existence span will mechanically extend into your eighties and nineties. This potential you should put together for the possibility of another existence--beyond the traditional roles and duties--since the years from 40 to 80 or ninety provide you with a whole new taking part in container: what I name your "second maturity."

    In 2nd maturity you start to be taught that fulfillment In lifestyles is not in due to the conveniently racking up elements on a single scoreboard. rather, there are a couple of different scoreboards--as son, mate, father, pal, colleague, mentor, neighborhood wise man, benefactor. The vital innings of 2d maturity are neither performed by way of the same guidelines nor scored within the identical method as a younger man's video game. however most men are so focused on winning within the first half, they always miss the signals that can prepare them with a winning strategy for center and later existence.

    Gary Markovitz, for example, became a very good soldier. Having served in Vietnam and returned to faculty to train as a technocrat, he had defined himself for seventeen years totally inside the context of his company. "When americans requested me what i'm, i was an IBMer," he admits. "now not Gary who labored at IBM, but an IBMer."

    by means of his midforties he begun to ask yourself if his batteries had been wearing down, however it did not happen to him to wonder what else he may enjoy doing. He heard about his enterprise's buyout offer while on a company trip to San Francisco. at the beginning he had no interest in it. however on the aircraft ride domestic he found himself thinking about a pal's fresh funeral. the man had come up during the ranks at IBM with Gary and had all at once handed away from cancer.

    Gary found himself ticking off, finger by way of finger, simply how many individuals can be counted on to reveal up for his personal funeral. He didn't get very a ways. What price did he have backyard IBM? He concept about his oldest son, who was already 25. earlier than lengthy, there could be a grandson sitting on his knee. blameless and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do that intended some thing?"

    I made money.

    "It failed to flow the grandfather test," Gary determined. "I may be doing more desirable issues."

however i am no longer competent!

a person in his late forties in a Minneapolis viewers expressed a common challenge of guys: "give it to me straight. Do I should lose energy as I grow older?"

    On the contrary. The power of mind, rooted in journey, handiest increases as we meet the predictable crises and accidents of existence and discover our resilience. a whole new stage has unfolded within the center of existence: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from ages 45 to sixty five. The passage from First to 2nd adulthood and into the Age of Mastery truly transforms the idea of vigor.

    child boomers need a ebook to their core lifestyles. Theirs might be a company-new journey, full of surprises. 4 out of every ten American adults belong to the child-increase generation, which, in line with my analysis with the USA. Census Bureau, must be divided into two subgenerations. The cutting edge will also be called the "Vietnam era" (born 1946-1955). this is President Bin Clinton and British major Minister Tony Blair's technology, which they describe as being effective in beliefs but detached to the historic ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties got here of age anticipating that everything would always get stronger, and for many of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties shaped their utopian focus, and vestiges of that spirit are nonetheless with them, tempered with the aid of the cynicism of the instances.

    The younger half of the boomers--the "Me technology"--got here of age within the Seventies (born 1956-1965) and neglected tons of the idealism of the Vietnam generation, however focused extra on very own development. They dreamed of reaching the perfectly balanced life and as a result continue to postpone taking up many of the tasks of full maturity. but they're far more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, gay partnerships, single parenthood, and other social experiments. both halves of this dominant technology have all the time been extremely individualistic and for this reason irreconcilably divided. but on one difficulty they appear to be in complete settlement:

Boomers don't accept core age.

    Boomer guys don't see themselves as getting older. and they certainly do not expect any alterations of their peak sexual efficiency--it could take place to different guys, but not to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can carry the question: is that this the starting of the dreaded falling off?

THE need to KNOWAND THE worry OF knowing

In lectures in line with my closing booklet, New Passages, one query is always sure to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there's a need to understand and an equally weighty worry of knowing. once I first grew to become privy to the phenomenon, the evidence from guys changed into notably anecdotal. Six men sitting around a midtown new york bar after work--virile earnings managers and successful agents--all of whom seem like backing up the hill from their midforties towards the super divide at 50. they have a few drinks, and, inside my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the relaxation: "tell the reality. How time and again have you ever faked being asleep when your wife receives into bed with a glow in her eyes)"

    each man laughs. Then a crevice falls open within the conversation. the person within the vigour tie who posed the query reaches out for a lifeline: "I mean, does not that happen to you guys?"

    bound, Mr. Winkle doesn't like to drink," a further man says, chuckling. The relaxation chime in, putting off the issue on overwork, stress, having a couple of too many.

    however these occasional elements do not do much to light up the secret of why so many guys in middle existence gradually lose their vitality and virility. They see a little older friends change from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They ask yourself: Will it happen to me? Of route, being guys, they refuse to discuss it. At most, the subject is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is going for walks down the road when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "in case you decide on me up and kiss me, i could turninto a fine looking woman."

the person picks up the frog and places It Into his pocket.

"aren't you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i may become a gorgeous lady and you'll have me all you want."

"i'd rather have a speaking frog in my pocket."

what is happening? Are we speakme readily about getting older? yes, but additionally about a larger problem to a person's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with physical, hormonal, psychological, and sociological accessories--it is now trendily known as "male menopause." "We do not yet have a time period for this 5- to twelve-year length of midlife in men, however we understand it is shared by means of both genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the area affiliation for Social Psychiatry and scientific professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington college faculty of medicine.

    It quickly became apparent to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is simply as simple as the ending of the fertile duration of a girl's lifestyles, since it strikes at the core of what it is to be a person--the issue a man has all the time counted on to convey him pleasure, the aspect that has worked for him a whole bunch of instances, mindlessly, like a laptop, by using himself or with any variety of partners, the source of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual pressure and efficiency.

    in the April 1993 subject of arrogance reasonable, with Sharon Stone on the cover stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to post some of the first full discussions of the subject: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever in view that, men and ladies have been speaking privately to me about this difficulty without a proper identify. Interviews with greater than 100 men between the ages of 40 and 70 about this subject published that most had been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up absolutely at a loss for words. I even have additionally observed the work of some two dozen scientific experts during this slim field who look at and deal with guys over 40 affected by some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later lifestyles. whereas the broader medical institution nevertheless through and large ducks the discipline, the mass media also stay wary of touching the subject, and that i discovered why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

at some point within the fall of 1996 I acquired a name from a dynamic young producer on the serious CBS journal exhibit forty eight Hours. Chuck Stevenson had examine my work on male menopause and interviewed some clinical specialists, and he desired to position collectively a chunk about guys in middle lifestyles in sexual disaster. Chuck became most effective forty one. a bit young to be considering male menopause?

    "basically, i'm finding the subject charming," he spoke of. As he saw it, "The precursor to guys's midlife disaster is decreased sexual means, which then triggers all these quite a lot of psychological emotions."

    i used to be delighted with Chuck's enlightened method. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty got here out to do the interview in the garden of my home in Berkeley, along with a 3-man creation crew.

    For the interview, Chuck desired to touch on "technical menopause--that small percentage of fellows who really will not have the testosterone."

    What I in fact wanted to focus on become not the small percentage of men who are already so incapacitated they may are searching for surgical reduction My challenge is the entire core latitude of men who do not know what's commonplace and who, when their sexual habits or performance changes, develop into so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull faraway from any intimacy. On camera, I described probably the most commonplace state of affairs:

The longer this problem is still unstated between a couple,the extra massive it grows, unless there is an eight-hundred-poundgorilla in the bedroom. no one mentions it for sixmonths, two years, 5 years; in the meantime, the pair stopshugging, stops retaining palms, stops touching altogether,moves to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They become estranged in all sorts of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot become over, I requested the producer how the piece can be titled and promoted. "that is going to be the hardest element for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How will we make this segment movement with out scaring off guys? We can't say 'midlife disaster' or 'trade of existence.'" sooner or later, the phase become titled "Undercover," which turned into inoffensive however meaningless. Nothing turned into left in about the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck acknowledged that the piece didn't work. The reason, he told me with regret, become the giant sensitivity of senior community executives to letting us focus on impotence.

    nevertheless it was the response of the tv construction crew that proved essentially the most fascinating. often, a digicam crew tunes out while filming and simply focuses on doing its job. while we discussed the male menopause, these three guys blanched and reddened, however they hung on to every notice. After the shooting they stuck around to talk.

    i wanted to listen to about it," one of the vital cameramen said candidly, "however I don't are looking to focus on it."

    "It was hitting too close to domestic for me," admitted an extra crew member. He become in his forties and dwelling via divorce hell. She changed into the one who left. "What really needs to be said is the undeniable fact that when a man has a midlife sexual disaster, people commonly say, 'or not it's all on your mind, snap out of it.'

    "nevertheless it's in reality part of the natural direction of events," some of the cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "that's correct," observed his colleague. "i will be able to see now where you may get that rhinoceros for your bedroom, or some thing you known as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks may form."

    "That made experience to me, too," observed the cameraman, "as a result of when communication breaks down in a wedding, it be all long past." abruptly his colleague had an Aha! moment--a type of little epiphanies that all of sudden throws a floodlight on what one's life is basically about.

    "this is what happened in our marriage! no person really talked concerning the gorilla. We just grew further and further aside. I don't suppose love it became my fault. i was doing my responsibility, doing what i was imagined to do. i was simply waiting it out. She got tired of ready, and it took place hastily--the marriage fell apart."

    Doing one's duty and not speaking concerning the inner fall down of one's entire concept of oneself is an all-too-common "manly" stance at midlife. This book is meant as a pleasant e-book out of such useless ends. No man should squander his precious existence "just waiting it out." And as soon as he discovers the enjoyable new map of men's lives, laid out here in information as well as many dwelling examples, he should still be lured to discover new continents of imagination and experience under no circumstances before dreamt of by way of previous generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt service provider All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

creator'S word.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX half I: WHAT DO guys want? Chapter One it be a guy factor....................................3 Are You organized for a further existence?...........................eight but i'm now not in a position!..........................................11 The deserve to know and the worry of knowing....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the brand new MAP OF grownup existence..........................17 The wife's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover lifestyles?.....................22 part II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nevertheless suppose LIKE a kid?..................27 The arrogance crisis...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the daddy-Son Midlife energy fight.......................36 for those who Comin' domestic, Son?..................................37 The lifeless Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................41 Chapter 4 MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................45 Yuppie enjoying seize-up.....................................46 Banker "Excessed" at domestic...................................forty seven the only real Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................47 The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a hard Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................fifty two Are You What You Smoke?.....................................fifty three "The massive not possible"........................................55 The Reluctant Father........................................58 First Fatality Jitters......................................60 moving Up the Mortality Markers.............................63 Honor among men.............................................sixty four Manly activities: more than only a game.........................sixty six present Manhood fashions......................................69 Chapter five MARRIED AND MORTAL................................78 The Aha! second.............................................78 The coronary heart of the count.....................................81 The Stonewaller's protection...................................85 The main issue with other halves......................................88 part III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2nd maturity...................ninety five The Samson complicated..........................................97 Mature Masculinity.........................................100 Former pro football big name...................................102 Geezer in Graduate college..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 past vigor...............................................108 Barry Diller's seek Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of impact............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR life earlier than THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The darkish night of Joe O'Dell...............................122 harmful Defenses.......................................125 The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they will in no way hearth Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of opportunity..................................133 Midlife cash Realities....................................135 What may Spook John Wayne?...............................136 quit "i am the huge Shot".................................137 constructing a crew............................................139 Opening the religious Dimension............................141 locate Your passion and Pursue It............................144 Chapter Eight LOVE AND conflict WITH better halves, FATHERS, infants......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: consolation or disaster?.......................149 teaching the instruct.........................................151 Withholding intercourse............................................a hundred and fifty five The protection web wife........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................one hundred sixty brain-intercourse adjustments..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mother....................................................164 Father hunger..............................................166 Letting Go of a growing Son................................167 what number of men friends can you count number?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You ready for Love within the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S frightened of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter 9 THE MALE SEXUAL existence CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual lifestyles Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 men Behaving Intelligently.................................189 mind over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets and techniques OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You fairly Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is more advantageous Than intercourse..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a person's master Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial girl......................................209 Teaming up to find the appropriate treatment.....................210 half V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets and techniques of neatly-being in the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement home...............219 do not Retire! Redirect!....................................220 searching on your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve development VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 don't lower back Up, extreme Tire hurt!.........................231 help is not hard to Get....................................233 i am not Having a coronary heart assault!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of destiny................................239 half VI: WHAT keeps a man younger? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL knowledge........................243 Do men have to Die earlier than ladies?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 transforming into and Regenerating mind.............................251 non secular hunger...........................................253 Love within the Twilight of lifestyles...............................254 A Lusty winter.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 coping with Job Loss.......................................259 thoughts for Surviving Job Loss in middle existence...........260 substances: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 resources: Couples remedy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 looking for a doctor/Male fitness medical institution...................264 elements: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual health considerations..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples workout routines............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning indications of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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